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Articles
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Break Up Like You Mean It
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Jessi Bee
http://www.new-dating.com/
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Whether you're internet dating or dating traditionally, no one likes breaking up. I sure don’t like breaking up. Sometimes it feels refreshing and liberating to actually be broken up but no matter how you slice it, the act itself is never a pleasant experience. But we’re cunning dating navigators and as such, know when the magic is gone (or was never there at all) and it’s time to cut and run. The real question is, do we know how?
Obviously, there is a whole puke-inducing plethora of reasons to end a relationship, and just as many types of relationships to end. There’s the person you’ve only been dating a few weeks and they’re very sweet but it’s just not clicking; the long-term relationship you’ve outgrown; the eccentric but seemingly great guy who’s finally letting his inner psycho come out to play…ah yes, the possibilities are many and painful.
Let’s assume for a minute that the particular person you’re angling to part paths with isn’t actually crazy. No violence, no manic behavior, no emailing you Photoshop-ed images of you being maimed by a bear…those kind of things. Let’s say it’s not like that. It’s just not working or you’ve met someone else or he made out with your boss. For these types of run-of-the-mill “time to get the hell out” situations, there are a few tips to abide by the make the break-up process as clean and permanent as possible:
1) Be sure
If you go into an end-of-relationship conversation with anything less than a completely steadfast resolve to sever ties, you can be talked out of it. And then you’re faced with the possibility of having to rinse and repeat in a few weeks. Certainty gets you (and the other person) out of prolonged unpleasantness.
There’s nothing wrong with taking all the time you need to consider what you want before you go in for the kill. Be prepared to discuss your reasons and hear what your other has to say but be unwavering.
2) Cut off communication
Just for now! I’m not saying you can’t be friends with an ex. Believe me, if you knew anything about my personal life, you’d know I am an adamant believer in being friends, even really close friends, with someone you were once amorously affiliated with.
But if experience, observation and research have taught me nothing else, it’s this: it is damn near impossible to go immediately from lovers to friends. This is especially true if you were involved in a long, serious relationship. Take a few months as a buffer period.
It gives you time to re-establish your independent life, decreases the risk of giving in to getting back together, and keeps you both at a safe distance from the icky details of each other’s forays back into the dating world.
After a few months, you’ll have the emotional distance to be able to hear about your exes new flame without wanting to cry or scream or get possessive. Not talking for a while post-break-up isn’t a sign you don’t care…it’s actually one of the smartest investments in your future friendship you can make.
3) Watch your language
By this, I mean don’t speak poorly of them, to them or about them to others. Just don’t. It’s never a good idea and regardless of how much they really, really deserve it and wronged you in unspeakable ways, taking trash about an ex always makes you come off looking bad. Take the high road and such. (note: best friends, moms and dogs are excluded from this rule. That’s what they’re there for.)
4) Put it in writing
Maybe this is just me, but I’ve seen it work for other people as well. I think it’s pretty common for people to make pro / con lists when they’re contemplating whether or not to continue a relationship. I’ve always been of the belief the love is something to be felt and guided more emotionally than logically, but I also acknowledge the fact that sometimes emotions get tricky.
You can feel so many ways about so many things that often it’s hard to know which part of your heart to listen to. So we give it up to our brain. And brains like lists. Written facts and reasonable thoughts can be helpful after a break-up as well, particularly during those first few days and weeks when the absence of that other person is really being felt for the first time. This is the crucial phase in which, if we don’t consistently and mercilessly remind ourselves why it’s better in the long run to not get back together with our ex, we quite possibly will.
Write down your reasons for breaking up. And look at them as often as you need to. Having firm resolve to make the break-up stick is the kindest thing you can do to yourself and your ex-lover.
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Jessi Bee
http://www.new-dating.com/
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